One needn’t be a total kook to commission the world’s most amazingly customized, Liberace-fabulous residential lagoon—though, if precedence is any indication, a passion for residential pools that is ardent enough to garner a long side-eye stare from strangers at parties certainly does help. Taking cues from the country’s most ludicrous pools, its clear that what will become the next ultimate residential pool will have amenities and art installations so extravagant, it’ll take millions of dollars to craft. Swim-up bars? Modern Lap Pools. What is this, amateur hour? Please. We’re talking $1.5M Chihuly sculpture installations, ziplines, filtration systems, and more. Below, the definitive guide to building one’s own megalo-water-park, with tips from rapper Drake and radio star Kasey Kasem.
1. First things first: get your hands on a 22-feet-by-12-feet Dale Chihuly Pool Sculpture Installation at the bottom of the pool. Neiman Marcus, which put this very item on its 2010 Christmas wish list, may still have some in the stockroom, and it will only set you back $1.5M.
2.This lap pool on the third floor of the Manhattan’s Thompson hotel boasts three photos of Andy Warhol’s face on its basin bottom, though, really, any face will do: Steve Buscemi, Mariah Carey, Woody Harrelson, Drake (the patron saint of pools), Andre the Giant…
3. A within-pool firepit is a must. Say goodbye to standing shivering on the pool’s edge, say hello to post-natatorium s’mores.
4. Cantilevering. All the terrifying sky pools have them.
5. The coolest pool in New York may soon be this cross-shaped lagoon set to float in the middle of the East River. One’s personal reproduction should, too, be set in a noxious flow of NYC river water—just don’t forget to include the heavy-duty filtration system.
6. Another must-have: flatscreen televisions, as seen in this bonkers Airbnb listing. Here, for $75 a night, you can enjoy earthly delights that rival no others: a zipline, a 14-foot HD theater screen, a second large rock waterfall, a beach entry with a beach fire pit, a water basketball court, and so, so much more.
7. Now go get yourself at least 750,001 gallons of water. You want yours to be the absolute largest, don’t you?
9. Install an overhead swing. Bonus if it’s inside a 19th-century townhouse whose entire first floor is a medieval-style pool, like this Manhattan house.
10. Of course, you are a human of quality, a human of taste, a human of culture. This next step is key; nothing says “taste” and “culture” quite like commissioning the creation of a 1,300-square-foot custom pool in the shape of a giant violin. Taking cues from Liberace, the grand homme of gaudiness who had a piano-shaped pool on the grounds of his Malibu estate, finance executive Jay Dweck commissioned the formation of a pool that looks just like his own super rare, 18th-century Stradivarius violin. His includes half a million glass tiles and fiber optic violin strings that light up to music.
11. An elaborate pool is not an elaborate pool without the purple lights, grottos, and cocktails of the Playboy pool. Just ask Drake.
12. Bring in the secret ingredient, the big guns, the pièce de résistance, the chef-d’oeuvre, the cherry on top: you could say “love,” but let’s just call it like it is, a fantastically, overwhelmingly cheesy heart-shaped waterbody, à la radio star Casey Kasem’s $42M estate.